


The Keanu Incident

by goblin



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: Comedy, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mostly Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-03-15
Updated: 2002-03-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 09:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/380001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblin/pseuds/goblin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jay is far too interested in Keanu Reeves...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Keanu Incident

**Author's Note:**

> TIME: Post-Dogma (looking back on the guys I had them discussing, very likely the early 2000s. Let's not call it "dated", let's say "retro".)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Jay's not mine. Bob's not mine. Look - their owners are that way - there - I'm pointing right at 'em... look, there's Kevin Smith, and there's Miramax, oh, and look, there's View Askew. Don't look at me, I've got nothing to do with anything.
> 
> THANKS: To starla, for beta-ing.

"Speed", "The Matrix", "Speed 2", "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", "The Matrix" again, "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey", "The Matrix" a third time.  
Thinking back, Bob realised that for the last couple of weeks every movie Jay had wanted to watch was a Keanu Reeves movie. That didn't worry Bob in itself. They were all good movies. Fine. "Dracula"? Yeah, okay. "The Devil's Advocate"? No problem. It was when Jay started getting out things like "Aunt Julia and the Scriptwriter" that Bob started getting worried. This was not normal Jay behaviour. Jay liked action movies. Jay liked things that went POW and BAM. The only thing that made Jay able to put up with all the John Hughes flicks Bob wanted to watch was the perve factor. Which meant that -  
Hmm. Interesting.  
Bob decided to test a theory.  
"Jay," he said quietly, "why did you choose this movie?"  
"What do you fuckin' care," said Jay, opening up the case of "The Little Buddha" and taking out the tape. He put it into the VCR and was about to press play when the force of Bob's stare became all too much for him. "Uh, it looked interesting," Jay tried.  
Bob kept staring.  
"It's all spiritual and shit. Deep. You'll like it."  
Bob minutely raised one eyebrow.  
"It's got the Matrix guy in it," said Jay, as if that wouldn't fail to make Bob wanna watch.  
"Keanu Reeves," said Bob softly.  
"Is that his name, huh?" said Jay, feigning ignorance.  
"Same guy that's been in every other movie you've gotten out in the past two weeks."  
"So what?" said Jay defensively. "The guy's fuckin' cool."  
"The guy's fuckin' hot," said Bob.  
"You think that too? I mean, no!" The change from hope to denial was bullet-fast. "Eww! You gay fuck, you wanna get down with Keanu Reeves, that's sick, man. I do _not_ jerk off about Keanu Reeves."  
"Yeah? What guys do you jerk off about, then?"  
"I don't jerk off about guys," Jay spat.  
Bob almost laughed.  
"Oh, fuck you. That Rufus fuck was a fucking liar."  
" 'Dude, not all the time' ?" reminded Bob.  
"Fuck you."  
"Jay, I'm serious. What guys do you think are hot?"  
Jay retreated.  
"I'm not weirded out. I'm just... I'd like to understand this."  
" _This? This_ , as in my fucked up sexuality?"  
"Finding guys attractive isn't particularly fucked up," Bob pointed out rationally.  
"Yeah, whatever. I feel fuckin' fucked up." Jay looked at Bob skeptically. "You really wanna know this shit?"  
Bob nodded.  
Jay appeared flummoxed. "Uh... well, uh..."  
"Keanu Reeves?" suggested Bob.  
"No! Oh alright, yes. Keanu Reeves, I wanna jump his bones, will you just give me a break now?"  
"Who else?"  
"No, shit no, I'm not telling you this shit, man, this is fucked up."  
"Brad Pitt?"  
Jay grimaced. "No. He's all - no."  
"Tom Cruise?"  
"... Yes. Uh. 'Mission Impossible 2'." Jay nodded, grinning. "Yeahhh, that's the stuff."  
"Marilyn Manson?"  
"What, are you kidding me? No! Okay, sometimes."  
"David Duchovny."  
"No fucking way. I'd go that Krycek dude though, he's hot."  
"Ewan McGregor."  
"Obi-Wan? You can have him. I'll go Qui-Gon, the Jedi fuckin' master."  
"Antonio Banderas."  
"Fuck yes. Hey hang on, how come you're askin' all the questions? Give me a shot. Keanu Reeves."  
Bob looked at him, confused.  
"I'm asking you a question, dude. Would you go Keanu Reeves?"  
A nod.  
"Tom Cruise."  
A shake.  
"Brad Pitt."  
A pause, then a nod.  
"Obi-Wan Kenobi."  
A confused look.  
"Oh, okay, Ewan Mc-fuckin'-Gregor."  
Vigorous nodding.  
"Antonio Banderas."  
A shake.  
"Marilyn Manson."  
A shrug. "The really girly dude from Placebo."  
A slow nod.  
"Hah! I knew it. I knew you'd like guys that look like chicks... hey." Jay stopped and was still for a second. "You like guys."  
Bob nodded. Duh.  
"Hey, I uh, I didn't know that."  
"Harrison Ford."  
"Huh?"  
"Harrison Ford."  
"Oh - uh, yeah. As Han Solo or as Indiana Jones. Not when he's old and shit."  
"Leonardo DiCaprio."  
"Fuck no, he annoys the shit outta me."  
"Me."  
The world span around Jay, and slowed, and stopped. "What... did... you... say...?"  
Bob took a deep breath, and spoke again. "Me."  
"You."  
"Me."  
"You. Do I think you're hot."  
Bob nodded, holding Jay's gaze.  
There was a long, tense moment.  
Then Jay shrugged. "What can I say? I'm a sucker for a man in a coat." Jay smirked. "Literally..."  



End file.
